are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
