Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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