Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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