Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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