Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
