I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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