He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
