My underwear smells like fireworks.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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