my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
