So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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