$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
