I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
