my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
