Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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