Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
