I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize