I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Operation Purity has been aborted
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
