I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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