I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
