God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
