apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
