How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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