Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
