i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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