I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Come on in and take your pants off
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