Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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