I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
