You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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