I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
