Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
