I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
