I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He shit in the fireplace
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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