What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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