He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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