I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
