Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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