Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
