I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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