I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
