Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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