Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
