It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
