dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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