My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
