did you get engaged???
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
