I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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