so let's talk penis.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
