and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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