...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
