Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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