How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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