I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
sex in a hospital.. check
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
