Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
being pregnant is like rehab
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize