dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
