You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
