i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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