it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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