did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
