I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
